The reality of life is that affairs do not begin in the bedroom with someone who isn’t your spouse. They don’t begin with questionable conversations with someone of the opposite sex. They don’t begin with looking at inappropriate pictures. They don’t even begin with a lingering glance. The seeds for an affair are sown the moment the marriage breaks down, where intimacy becomes stressful and is not corrected.
I do not mean that there is never a break from intimacy in marriage. Fasting is good for the body, mind, soul, and spirit. We fast from food to get closer to God, to allow our bodies to heal, and for other reasons. Fasting from intimacy with our spouse can also be good for our marriage, if it is short-lived. Times when intimate fasting occurs are after the birth of babies and during other physically, emotionally, or mentally trying times. Paul addresses this in 1 Corinthians 7:1-2, where he talks about fasting intimacy being a good thing (vs. 1). He goes on to say each man should have his own wife and each wife her husband (vs. 2).
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 continues with explaining what I would call the first step in affair-proofing your marriage. “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” The Apostle Paul was giving a guideline here to understand that your spouse is a gift given to you by God. Men and women have different needs in marriage, and problems arise when either side has long-standing unmet needs.
In the article, “The 5 Basic Needs of a Man,” Reverend Dr. Charles B. Jackson of Brookland Baptist Church breaks down the basic needs of men and women (1).
The 5 basic needs of a man:
- He needs admiration and respect (Ephesians 5:33).
- He needs sexual fulfillment.
- He needs home support.
- He needs to be attracted to her (physically, but also a much deeper attraction to her heart) (1 Peter 3).
- He needs a life companion (Genesis 2:18).
The 7 basic needs of a woman:
- She needs a Spiritual Leader (Ephesians 5:22-23).
- She needs personal affirmation and appreciation (1 Peter 3:7) (Colossians 3:19).
- She needs personal affection and romance (Ephesians 5:25-26).
- She needs intimate conversation.
- She needs honesty and openness (Colossians 3:9-10) (Ephesians 4:25).
- She needs home support, stability, and his assurance that he is able to shoulder the responsibility to house, feed, and clothe the family.
- She needs family commitment- meaning he puts family first.
You can see in the differences between men’s and women’s basic needs that there is a lot of room for breakdown in a relationship. The problems aren’t apparent when the initial failures occur. Rather, the problems begin when these needs remain unmet for prolonged periods. Unmet needs lead to friction between spouses, which leads to a breakdown in intimacy. This breakdown in intimacy is where affairs begin.
God’s design for marriage started at the very beginning when he instructed men to leave their fathers and mothers and become one with their wives (Genesis 2:24). He instructs Christians to be devoted to one another (Romans 12:10). He teaches that love is patient and kind, bears all things, endures all things (1 Cor 13). If these commands apply to all Christian relationships, how much more should they apply to marriages?
Affair-proofing your marriage starts long before problems occur. Understanding our spouses’ basic needs is not meant to be a burdensome list of rules to follow. It is meant to help us understand what makes the opposite sex tick, to help us see where we can improve. You then learn to love and respect each other’s differences. You do your best to meet each other’s needs with the understanding that our needs are never meant to be a burden to our spouses. Ultimate fulfillment in life comes from God.
Having a healthy marriage begins by putting God first in our lives and then choosing our spouses SECOND. Notice I said God first, then spouse. Children should NOT be prioritized before God or spouse. Of course, there are times when children’s needs will require us to delay those of our spouse, but it should not be the norm. Understand: this is not an endorsement to neglect children; it is a call to Christian families to be cautious of placing children as the highest priority in the family. When God is kept at the center of marriages and spouses prioritize each other, there is plenty of love to go around. Husbands aren’t neglected. Wives aren’t neglected. Children aren’t neglected. Life works more smoothly.
In conclusion, should you have that questionable conversation with someone of the opposite sex if married? NO. Should you look at inappropriate pictures? Obviously not. Should you continue with that lingering glance? Definitely not. Should you address problems as soon as possible? Of course. Should you allow physical, emotional, or intimate separation to continue? Definitely not. Should you prioritize your spouse and marriage? Yes. It is good to know what makes your spouse tick. What is important to them? Prioritize their basic needs. Affair-proofing your marriage starts now, long before problems arise.
