Traumatic experiences are unfortunately a part of life. Sometimes our trauma is a result of our own poor choices. Conversely, it can be a result of poor decisions made by others. Other times it is a result of ignorance, whether on our part or another person’s. Nonetheless, pain and trauma happen.
In the beginning stages of healing, forgiveness toward the source of our pain can often feel impossible. I would love to tell you that forgiveness is easy and immediately makes everything better, but that is simply not true. We often struggle because we feel like forgiveness condones what was done, but the truth is that the healing brought by forgiveness is sometimes for us and us alone. It often has nothing to do with those who hurt us. Survivors of abuse, neglect, bullying, hatefulness, and hurt of any kind will realize over time that there comes a point where no amount of revenge or retaliation will fix what has been broken. Only allowing God to heal our hearts and minds will help. We need to allow healing to take place. I promise you that a day is coming when we will all stand before God and give account for our choices. Often, this must be vengeance enough. Truthfully, in the grand scheme of things, it is enough. Matthew 6:14-15 (NASB20) says, “For if you forgive other people for their offenses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive other people, then your Father will not forgive your offenses.” There are a couple of ways to interpret this passage. The first is the literal interpretation: If we do not forgive others God will not forgive us. The problem with this interpretation is that it leaves no room for why we struggle with forgiveness. It leaves no room for a loving God’s response to our pain. God does understand our why and He loves us. Another interpretation is that unforgiveness creates a barrier in our hearts and prevents us from receiving God’s mercy. It is a matter of the heart. Unforgiveness is a lack of faith in God’s ability to heal us.
What if we are the aggressor, the one who did the hurting? Sometimes, trying to make amends will hurt the victims further, reopening wounds that should not be reopened. In these cases, we should leave it alone. These cases are rare, and they will never involve our pride. If we are able, a sincere, heartfelt confession (without excuses) will go a long way. Most importantly, we need to allow ourselves to heal. Hurting people hurt people. When we find ourselves as the one causing pain, we must examine our hearts and minds and get to the bottom of why we behaved as we did. We should not make excuses for our behavior, rather we should better understand why we did what we did. We cannot undo the past, but we can repent and decide to be better in the future. It is important to understand that we cannot fix the pain we have caused others, and we will have to learn to live with the consequences of our choices. Even when we seek forgiveness from those we hurt, it does not exonerate us. They have the right to heal, just like we do, and we may not like what their healing looks like, especially when it makes us look bad. There is no better example in the Bible of an aggressor turned Christian than the Apostle Paul. Before his conversion, he deeply persecuted the believers. He arrested and imprisoned them. He also participated in stoning Stephen, one of the early Christian Leaders (Acts 8). On the road to Damascus, Saul was blinded for 3 days, was converted, and changed (Acts 9). He became the beloved Apostle Paul. Nothing speaks to those we have hurt louder than changed behavior. Our words usually do not mean a whole lot, but changed behavior speaks volumes.
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
Colossians 3:12-15 (NLT)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)
Forgiveness is the first step in healing, whether we are the survivor or the aggressor. If we are the guilty one, forgiving ourselves will be necessary for healing. It is time we move past being victims and become survivors. When we are the aggressors, it is time to stop making excuses and accept responsibility. Remember that forgiveness does not exonerate the guilty, it frees the survivor to heal. Forgiveness and healing are the only ways to move beyond the pain of the past. It will NOT be easy, but it is possible. Find an accountability partner who can help you on your journey to forgiveness. It should be someone who will listen to your pain, but also someone you will allow to help you move forward.
Moving forward is necessary. It is time to heal!
